Happy 14th Valentine Birthday to Me

Like many teenagers, I felt awkward about myself.  I had the coke bottle glasses, badly permed hair, did poorly in school, and was kind of shy.  I slowly grew out of this phase.  Mom finally got me contacts, I still had bad perms, but I started to do well in school and slowly became more outgoing.  But I think those early years took root in my heart.  I didn't feel like I belonged. I strived to be liked and to feel special.  That's when the world of boys came in. 

For many years boys did not pay attention to me.  I envied the popular girls and how boys seem to hoover over them.  So when I got the slightest attention from a boy, I was thrilled.  But teenage romances don't last long.  And my heart was broken.  And so the cycle continued time and time again.  It happened through high school. I happened again through college.  If I wasn't dating, I felt empty.  When I was in a relationship, it was never enough.  When it was over, there was a void. And every time, I lost a little bit of my heart. 

Then 14 years ago, my friends from InterVarsity Christian Fellowship invited me to a True Love retreat on Valentine's weekend.  I gave every excuse not to go.  In the very end I just stated financial reasons for not going.  Wouldn't you know it, they gave me a scholarship to attend the retreat.  Oh fine.  I struggled with my personal relationships, my self esteem was low, there was a family crisis going on.  I guess a weekend away would be a good distraction.  It turned out to be the best distraction for me.  I attended sessions where I learned of a love that would satisfy my every thirst.  I learned of a love that was unconditional and never failing.  This was love that would never disappoint.  This was love that would not break my heart, but heal it.  It was God's love that I had been waiting for all this time.  And I didn't have to do a thing to earn it.  And although it was still freely given, it came at a high cost to Jesus.  And so it began that weekend, when I invited God into my life.  And so began my spiritual journey, made extra sweet because of the knowledge of God's love for me on that special Valentine's Day.

Luke 15:20 - But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him

I John 3:16 - This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us

Where is your Spiritual Traffic Light?

Our son's kindergarten teacher has implemented a new traffic light system.  I guess it's been harder to keep the 20+ kids to pay attention in class lately.  You get a bunch of kids together, they are bound to fool around.

Every student starts the day on a green light.  As kids start fooling around they get warnings.  Repeated warnings move you to the yellow light.  The child is asked to think about how to make good decisions and how to behave better.  Continued misbehavior moves you to the red light where she sends a note or calls home so that the parents can speak with the child at home regarding his/her behavior.  At the beginning of each day each student starts with a clean slate, back on the green light again.

What I like about this concept is that it's not all about policing the kids.  The goal is to get the kids to think about their actions while they are on yellow so that they can learn to make better choices in the future.  Hopefully as time goes on, they won't need warnings and stay on the green light on their own.  And I think it's working.  My son often comes home and gives me a thumbs up saying, "It's a green day!"

I have started adapting this at home too.  Because I'm tired of yelling.  I want him to think about his actions and choose what is better.  I don't want to be the tyrant.  I want to guide him and teach him.  So now we try to stay on the green light at home too.

How about you and me?  It dawned on me that I can use this concept in my spiritual life.  What am I doing daily to stay on the green light?  Are there things in my life, attitudes in my heart, inching me toward the yellow light?  Am I driving with a heavy foot, trying to sneak through the yellow, only to get caught with a ticket running through a red light?  Am I living my life too fast to notice the traffic signal and ending up breaking hard at the crosswalk?

Remember, friends, God gives us the Holy Spirit and scripture to guide us through this life.  He wants what is best for you.  He wants you to grow and make good decisions on your own.  How are we going to hear what God has to say to us?  Spend time reading the scriptures and pray.  Is the Holy Spirit warning you about anything?  Teaching you about anything?

When I was a teenager, I showed my mom my report card.  She was disappointed that one of my grades went from a 96 to a 95.  My goodness.  What can I do to earn her approval?  So I asked my teacher if I could bump my grade up by doing some extra credit work.  And it worked.  I got my 95 bumped up to a 96.  I happily showed my mom who said, "It doesn't matter to me whether you get a 95 or a 96.  I want you to want high grades without me telling you to."

God would love to see us like minded with him.  It's not about earning approval.  Dear friends, God is not suppose to be a tyrant.  He loves us like a parent.  He wants to train us for the better.  He desires us to love what he loves and to live that way too.  And you know what, even if we miss occasionally, it's okay.  Because that ticket you got for going through that spiritual red light, it's been paid for by Jesus.  That sin of pride or greed has been spotted by God, but he forgives those who repents and confess it (I John 1:9).  And lucky us, we get to start on the green light every day.  Because His compassions never fail.  For his mercies are new every morning, great is His faithfulness (Lam 3:23).

Slow down and be blessed

There is a church meeting tonight.  I must get dinner on the table ASAP.  Unlike most days, I actually have a plan for dinner.  Chicken is marinated and in the oven.  Rice is cooking.  Brussel sprouts are sliced.  I'm browning the bacon.  Oh yes... that's right.  There is bacon in this dinner.  My dad is watching baby sweet cheeks and my kindergartner is coloring on some big roll of construction paper my husband gave him.  Everything is going perfectly.  So as I'm browning the bacon I wasn't expecting this.

Son: Mommy, you have to come see this.
Me: Sorry, I'm making dinner right now.  I don't want it to burn.
Son: But you have to see this.
Me: Where's daddy?  Maybe daddy can see it.
Son: I can't find him.  Someone has to see it.
Me:  (well... I guess I can humor my son briefly.  Then it's back to the bacon.
                   I turn off the stove.)
       Ok.  Let's hurry up so I can finish cooking dinner.

And then he shows me this

Oh, thank goodness I stopped to give my little guy some attention.  Look at what I could of missed out on.  All he wanted was me.  And all I could think of was dinner.  It should be me showering him with this love.  Instead, I'm the one who feels blessed.  Thank goodness for little children.  

This reminds me of the verse, Matthew 18:3, "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." 

Has your life been busy?  When was the last time you spent time with God?  Did you seek his presence?  Did you want to be with Abba, Father?  When was the last time you just drew a big heart for God?  Luckily, our Heavenly Father always has time for us.  He is not too busy.  He is there to meet us just as we are.  Go to him like the little children.  Slow down and be blessed.

You're not a religious person?  God wants to have a relationship with you, like my son wants to have a relationship with me.  It's love.  It's a relationship.  God loves us and is waiting for us to love him back.  So what are you waiting for?  

What does love look like?

My dear friend, Peter, told me once that he learned a lot about God through his children and boy was he right. Just last week, I attended my new small group bible study. Our opening question asked if we've seen what love looks like in action lately. What does it look like? I have to say I was stumped. Love in action? Sadly I can't put my finger on it. Then half way into the evening I thought of my son. He has these blue craft pom poms that he loves. These have been the cheapest and most versatile "toy" he plays with. We have contest as to who can throw the most blue balls into the cup. They are "cargo" for his firetruck and trains. They are "groceries" for the pretend shopping cart. For something so small, they are well loved by my son. One day he comes up to my husband and says (with tears in his eyes) that he wants to mail some blue balls to his cousin in CT. Due to the distance and custody arrangements, we don't get to see my nephew often. Amazingly, this has not hindered my son's love for his cousin. And he loves his cousin so much he was willing to part with one of his favorite items. As simple as the gesture was, I saw sacrificial love in action. My son was willing to give up something of his for the love of his cousin.

Didn't God show us sacrificial love?
I John 3:16 - This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.

How can we to respond?
I John 3:16-18 - ... And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.  Wow.   What a great reminder that we are meant to be agents of God's love.  He has set before us the ultimate example in Christ Jesus.  Love generously.  Don't sit idle.

Childlike faith

Me: Do you love me?
Son: I love you 100,000
Me: That's pretty big. How about daddy?
Son: I love daddy 100,063 (giggle)
Me: You have to love me more. I made you.
Son: No you didn't... God made me!

Doh... trumped by a 4 yr old.

God made us. My husband and I giggled at how my son won the argument with that simple truth. I was in awe of how convicted my son was with the statement. "God made me!" He knew it as the truth and somehow my husband and I skimmed passed it. I was humbled by that reminder.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14

Lord, I am so thankful that you've made me and loved me as I am. Thank you for these little unexpected reminders... how sometimes it takes childlike faith to see You and your kingdom more clearly.

Being filled with thanksgiving

This year I wanted to observe Lent in two ways. One is to fast from something I don't need in my life, to practice some discipline, and to be reminded how Jesus has resisted sin and temptations to be the blameless sacrifice for us. Second, I wanted to be mindful of the blessings God has placed in my life. I want to acknowledge those blessings, those joys that I experience so that I can give my appreciation back to God. There are enough stresses to rob us of our joy. I choose to dwell in the joy.

Family - I am so thankful for my family. Specifically, I am thankful for my father who has been a blessing to us. We were uncertain how the living arrangement would be like. Thankfully it has gone smoothly. He has driven my son around for pre-school, dressed/fed him, and entertained an active little boy for over a year. He is not intrusive in our household. He respects our privacy and does not ask for much even though we've been through 6 months of various renovations at the house. But what fills me with joy is the love he has for my son. After a long holiday weekend, I expected my dad would relax and settled in his apartment. But after seeing my son on the couch watching a video, my father came out just to sit with my boy. No playing or talking, just being together. And the sight of it just warmed my heart. So thank you God, for my father. Not just for the help he has provided but for the genuine love relationship between grandson and grandfather.

Trying to Save Yourself

I know it's only February but we've already started thinking about swimming this summer. Why wait until summer to learn when you can start now. Luckily my local school has a public pool. What a great idea. I'll get home after a long day of work, after my hour long commute, shove all my swim gear in a bag, grab a quick snack, and drag my 4yr old to the pool for a quick "lesson". I brought a kick board and arm floaties. My son will be kicking around independently in no time. Perhaps my expectations were a little too high. So let me tell you what actually happened.

I'm go into the warm pool. "Ok honey. Come to mommy."
"Umm... I don't want to. I want to go home." I just spent all this effort to get here, I'm so not going home.
"This is going to be fun. Just come for a little bit." He reluctantly gets into the pool.
"I want to go home."
"In a little bit, mommy's going to walk us around in the pool."

I imagined this would be fun and relaxing except my son has a choke hold on my neck and vice grip legs around my mid-section. Well we're not going to get any swimming done in this state. Luckily, some other kids are now entering the pool, emitting an aura of confidence as they wade, swim, and leap into the pool. Too bad that choke hold hasn't loosen up yet. Maybe I should switch tactics.

I walk us over to the shallow 3 ft end. I try to peel my boy an inch from my body when he starts to frantically kick and doggy paddle. I tell myself this is okay. It's a natural reflex to try to save yourself. But panic is not helping our "lesson". Maybe if I help him feel safe. Maybe if he realizes he's not going to sink with me holding him, he'll relax... a bit.

"Sweetie... stop moving for a second. Mommy has you and you're safe."
"Good job. See... I'm holding you and you're safe. Can you try to touch the floor with your toes?"

It's 3 ft at the shallow end and I have a very tall 4 year old. This should give him some confidence. Except... he panics and starts to put the choke hold on me again. There he goes trying to save himself again. I know he can touch the bottom with no problem. If only he would trust me enough to try it. I know he'll feel more confident and relaxed if he knew he could stand up in the pool. Past experience has shown me that once he has that confidence he'll be asking me to let go of him. Then I'm the one with panic in her eyes making sure he's well supervised and safe.

This is no lesson on how to teach your child how to swim. I'm obviously not a swim instructor. But as expected, once my son gained some confidence I was able to lead him around the pool without any problems. I didn't think much about the whole swimming session until our Wednesday night bible study. We were talking about trusting and obeying God. Our first instinct is probably to ask "Why? Why do you want me to do this God?" It's pretty hard to just trust and obey. Then J mentioned how nice it would be if her kids would obey her first, ask questions later. She would give them the explanation but it would be nice to have them obey first. I immediately thought of the swim session. I wanted so much for my son to trust me about being able to touch the ground. I knew his limits and I had him safe in my arms the entire time. I was trying to teach him a new skill. I was trying to build his confidence. I wanted him to have fun. But it couldn't happen without his trust first.

Then it hits me. Oh, how often have I been this way with God. How often has He asked me to try something, to step out of my comfort zone? "Should I talk to that stranger who seemed to be having a bad day? Should I ask them to church?" How often has He asked me to trust and obey so that he could build me up only to hear me say no. "I don't know if I have time time to help that person this weekend. I would help with that ministry but I just don't have the time for it." How often have I panicked and tried to save myself not realizing God has me in His grip all along. "Everything will be fine if I can just fix this." All I had to do was be still and feel His presence around me. "Thank you, Almighty God, for being in control. Thank you for carrying me through these trials." It may be scary to step out in faith, but I pray we'll grow to trust and obey God more. For His kingdom, it will always be worth it.